Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times: Boy meets Girl. Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her "icky parts." Boy goes to John Mayer's house for playdate. John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie's action to solve Boy's problem. Boy agrees then requests a naked high five. Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making. Boy cuddles with John Mayer. John Mayer says "Do you ever feel like we're the only two souls on Earth." Boy wistfully responds "Yeah" then sighs contently. Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning. John Mayer says "Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don't freak out." Boy totally freaks out. John Mayer tries to point out it's not what the Boy thinks. Boy thought he had really found someone, you know. Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music. Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital. Boy realizes it's only June. Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy. Boy orders pizza. Boy wonders if Conan's on... Yup, same old story.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady reportedly proposed to supermodel Gisele Bundchen on a private plane Christmas Eve, according to TMZ:

Our sources say Brady, who is famous for his QB skills and running errands for Gisele, proposed on a private jet that took off from Teterboro Airport in New Jersey and landed in Boston. There were four dozen white roses on board, as well as champagne.

However, Tom's dad is telling the Boston Globe there is no engagement:

"We don't know a thing about it," Tom's dad told us yesterday. "Nobody told me. We talked to him and there's nothing to say. It's rumor, rumor, rumor. It must be a slow news day."

Of course, Tom's dad could just be creating smoke and mirrors, so I better have sex with Gisele Bundchen just to be sure - and for the sake of journalism. Because, dammit, the people have a right to know! God, I'm selfless.

Before I scoot off for the holidays, here's Mariah Carey rocking clown boots and cleavage despite the freezing temperatures in Aspen. Somewhere there's an inspirational message to be found here, I can almost feel it. - - Nope, just my monitor. False alarm! The Superficial shall return this weekend where my words will swaddle you like the newborn baby Jesus. In the meantime, hopefully you get some sweet gifts to tide you over. If not, at least you aren't Nick Cannon: Human Terrier above. No one deserves that. Happy Holidays, everybody!

Whitney Port is moving on from The Hills to spread her wings on her own show, The City (please, hold your tears; your grief can be expressed at WhitneyPort.com), which will chronicle her adventures as she takes up in New York City. What will she do there? Judging from that thing that's perched on her head, she'll probably fight crime. At least that's what I would do. You can bet I'd strike fear into the hearts of New York's hardened criminals, too, in my Rainbow Brite underoos as I patrolled the streets with my Plunger of Justice. Whitney probably has something similarly cool up her sleeve. At any rate, she promises that people will get to see "the real me." *Sniff*; someday people will see the real me, too. If they know what's good for them.

You're nothing in this world without good friends. Just ask my stuffed animal collection. Or Brody Jenner. Who's wicked-psyched for his Hills castmate Whitney Port and her new show, and he wants her and the rest of the world to know it. Even though it sort of makes her his competition. Which would traditionally call for a knife fight. Regular Mother Teresa, that guy. But less wimpy. Man, it would be so cool to be Brody Jenner's friend. He'd probably let you scratch your back with his beard stubble when it itches. That would be awesome. Or at least marginally better than drinking a milkshake laced with the ebola virus. I'm pretty certain. Check out Brody's shout-out to Whitney Port. It'll fill you with a warm glow like nothing else can this holiday season. Or at least it won't bum you out as much as that time you accidentally licked gravy from between a homeless guy's toes. It would probably be a good idea to drop him a line at BrodyJenner.com and let him know what a pillar of graciousness he is. The world owes him that much.

In an effort to promote his new book where he claims autistic kids are really just stupid and lazy, Denis Leary sat down for the folks at Funny or Die and agreed to talk about every movie he's ever made. Denis dishes out some great anecdotes about Wesley Snipes, Sylvester Stallone and Emilio Estevez who are, last time I checked, the most relevant and poignant superstars of today. More importantly, I laughed and sometimes I like to make a post that's just for me. (Not counting all the ones about bikinis and Hugh Jackman women.)

Lindsay Lohan dropped a yuletide log on her MySpace today. Turns out her dad Michael Lohan fathered a child with a woman he was cheating on Dina Lohan with. No word if the girl is Ashley Kaufman from this summer's epic "Lohan Love Child" saga, but Christ, I hope so. Otherwise, that means more there's more of these people out there. *shudder* Anyway, here's Lindsay bringing the bad news:

i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run... that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like "debbie downer" or what? not trying to be... but back to the real reason for this blog-i feel like Britney Spears is an amazing talent, and she has gone through a lot, (just as i have) in the public eye.. which is not necessarily a bad thing.. It teaches young girls and boys that there are certain things in life that you should not let get in the way of your dreams and accomplishments. also that you need to take care of yourself before anyone else, and i mean anyone and everyone else. because at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you really are. stripped of all the distractions in life. so YAY Britney for just being you and still following through with your dreams. i know i am a bit late in writing about this record since it came out already, but better late than never!!!! :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know your dad's wandering penis just rained all over your Christmas, but that's no reason to compare yourself to Britney Spears. Try to see the glass as half-full. (Of gin, if necessary.) You only went to rehab. She had to hand over her kid to the fucking SWAT team. That's like trying to compare apples and oranges. Or fake lesbians and human vacuum cleaners that only suck up Whoppers and crazy.

- Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt were barred from The Hills wrap party at Butter after the taping of the season finale. When the fake fakers who fake your fake lives don't want you around, you should probably do something genuinely real - like get cancer in the face. Just a thought. [Page Six] - Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson are a couple of brawlers. Neighbors heard the two breaking glass and flipping the lesbian fuck out on each other right before Sam went into the hospital this weekend. I'm not pointing any fingers, but methinks the problem is someone refusing to eat at the Y. That said, who wants to be the one to tell Sam it's really not on fire? [TMZ] - DJ AM is done remember he cheated death and wants in on the suing. He's filed his own lawsuit that also claims the pilots' negligence caused the infamous fiery crash that left him and Travis Barker severely burnt. At least the pilots will have a chance to defend themselves. Oh wait... [E! Online] - Heath Ledger's death was your favorite. At least according to the list of top entertainment stories from the Associated Press. The actor's tragic death beat out Britney Spear's double meltdowns which were way down at #4. I've got a hunch 2009 will be Britney's year once she realizes flamethrowers are the new braless. [AP]

After openly describing his sex life with Ashlee Simpson and not getting kicked out of the house, Pete Wentz has switched tactics and is now talking about her breast milk. And his drinking of said milk. You read that. NY Daily News reports:

Speaking on Sirius' "The Monday Mash Up" show, Wentz described her milk as "weird" and "soury," adding, "The baby [newborn Bronx Mowgli] loves it, it's the only thing he's had a chance to have."
In a rather touching display of spousal sympathy, Wentz revealed he too piled on the pregnancy pounds while Ashlee was expecting.
"I gained 10 pounds at least," he said. "I usually hang out around 135, 134, I go up to about 140, and when I hit 148, I get fat face."

Jesus. Ashlee Simpson must be the most laid back chick in the world - or dead. I mean, has anyone seen her since she had the baby? Just sayin'. In the meantime, Pete is playing with fire. Women hate when you tell their secrets. One time I told some people my girlfriend didn't wear make-up to the gas station; She stabbed me. Granted, I also slept with her sister, but there's no way that was the reason. That's just crazy talk.

Like any rational man if placed in the same predicament, Lance Armstrong figured "Hey, one nut, no condom." I don't even know where to start with how much sense that makes. Except it turns out God hates Lance Armstrong because he was left with the virile one causing him to knock up girlfriend Anna Hansen. Whoops. People reports:

"Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful," he says in a statement. "We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts."
He adds: "We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family."

Fortunatetely for Lance, "My girlfriend fell down the stairs while riding a bike" is probably the most believable scenario anyone can tell the cops. In fact, I'm sitting here right now thinking, "Damn, shoulda wore a helmet" and also "I wonder if my parents still have my BMX - and stairs." Food for thought. EDIT: Wow, you must think I'm a dick. Totally forgot to say "Congratulations!"