After dominating the Christmas box office, Jennifer Aniston is spending New Year's Eve with the most important person in her life right now: Courteney Cox Arquette. Yup, Jen is staying in Los Cabos with the family of her old Friends co-star (OMG! They really were best friends!) while John Mayer is quarantined to a separate beach house with his brother. Whee! People reports:

While the couple appear to be staying in separate residences, their places are just a short drive away – and are connected by a private beach perfect for long walks at sunset.
Aniston is making a tradition of spending the holidays with the Arquettes, having spent a festive night out with them at Mastro's Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve.

JEN: I mean, I did have the #1 movie in America over the holiday. Do you think I should sleep with him? COURTENEY: Eww! Eww! No. God, no. JOHN: I'm sitting right here. JEN: No one knows for certain if all the publicity from our "relationship" helped, right? And it's not like we had a contract. COURTENEY: Exactly. JOHN: Hello? JEN: Plus, he was hanging around that Pete Wentz kid. JOHN: I'm a studio exec with lots of money and scripts catered to a strong female lead. JEN: *flashes her breasts* Dammit! It's just John. COURTENEY: Seriously, not cool. Now help me get my pants off the ceiling fan.

While Dane Cook's been busy stealing other people's jokes, his own brother has been stealing from him, according to TMZ:

Darryl McCauley -- who was in charge of Cook's financial affairs since the 90s -- was arrested today by the Massachusetts State Police and charged with three counts of larceny and forgery.
Authorities say in one case, Dane's bro forged a $3 million check and deposited it in his account.

Despite the fact I'm convinced Dane Cook's movies are made for the intent purpose of interrogating terrorists, that's gotta suck finding out your own brother has been ripping you off. Wait. Didn't I hire my brother to be my accountant? Oh, shit... UPDATE: So I checked the books and all I found was a fistful of strip club receipts and a G.I. Joe. Phew. Everything's still there.

These are pics of Prince Harry and his girlfriend Chelsy Davy vacationing on the island of Mauritius. Man, if I were in the royal family, I'd knight my own penis then chivalrously have my way with everything from Big Ben to the Queen of England. I mean, sure, Chelsy is alright, I guess. But does she tell time on top of Parliament or look like my grandmother? Then I bid you "nay." Sir Cockerton of PantsHugely demands satisfaction! Here here!

Tony Romo asked for Jessica Simpson after collapsing in the Cowboys shower room from popped cartilage in his ribs. TMZ reports:

As if totally choking in the biggest game of the season weren't bad enough, Tony Romo had to have Jessica "Yoko" Simpson rush to his side to help him with a little popped-out cartilage.

In Tony Romo's defense if I thought I was dying, I'd be crying for my girlfriend's insane cleavage too. TONY: Oh, God, bring me Jessica. I need Jessica! COACH: All we have is a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup with two water balloons taped to it. TONY: That'll work.

Eva Longoria Parker hates cheaters and has no qualms about going private eye on their asses, according to NY Daily News:

If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

Real smooth, Eva. Now every cheater in America knows to watch out for a garden gnome with a camera phone when they're out with their mistress. "Is that a pointy red hat?! Shit, act like you're my sister. So, hey, remember that dad guy? He was great. Wait, it's a traffic cone. Phew. Now I don't have to explain why I've been fondling your breasts this whole time."

An Oscar contender for his starring role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke reportedly sent a text message to a Hollywood insider trashing Sean Penn's acting in Milk and called him a homophobe, according to The Daily Beast:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [sic]
Miami friends of Rourke acknowledge he is brutally honest, even to his own detriment. “Mickey will call a spade a spade,” says a long time acquaintance. “Even if he makes you cringe sometimes with what he says, at least you’ll know he’s not bullshitting you.”

While my brain attempts to fold in on itself trying to differentiate between "pretend acting" and "non-pretend acting," at least we know for certain that Mickey Rourke isn't homophobic. Clearly, here's a man who's not afraid to give his career the most vigorous corn-holing of its life. Well played, sir.

Here's renowned fashion designer Donatella Versace on the beach at St. Barts and doing a damn fine job of trying to make me bleed from the eyes. On that note, someone needs to tell Donatella Schindler's List is a movie, not a fashion statement because, no joke, this woman's only 53. Until I looked it up, I would've sworn her age was beef jerky.

Angelina Jolie has been advised by doctors to put down the uterus. After her last two pregnancies ended with complications, she'd be facing significant health risks with another baby. OK! Magazine reports:

"Her previous pregnancies ended with emergency caesarian secions," an insider tells OK!. "She's been told that, at the least, she should not get pregnant for a year after her last deliver, and it would be safer if she did not get pregnant, ever."
The health complications this time around could pose a direct danger to the Changeling star, Dr. Larrian Gillespie, who has not treated Angie, tells OK!.
"Angelina is at risk of having a stroke or heart attack, and because she developed gestational diabetes, there is a high risk she'll have it again, with the child being at risk for diabetes."

In related news, Brad Pitt was seen at a local bank sulking while placing his penis in a safe deposit box. In the distance, the cackle of Jennifer Aniston's laughter could be heard in the air. Or a pig got hit with a lawnmower. We're looking into it.

India is abuzz with rumors that Britney Spears is dating her "Womanizer" choreographer Sandip Soparrkar, according to Associated Content:

What does Britney Spears have to say about a budding romance with the hot choreographer Sandip Soparrkar? In true celebrity fashion, she says everything and nothing all at once: "Sandip is a very handsome man." Soparrkar himself claims they'll only be working, but he also teases the press subtly, saying that "I am planning to do the rumba, which is the dance of love."

The two reportedly met at a party thrown by Madonna, so for all we know, this is just an elaborate ruse to find the Temple of Doom and turn it into a Kaballah center. SHORT ROUND: Why do I have to wear this bracelet, Dr. Jones? INDY: Ack! I'm hallucinating about Asian boys again! *jumps out window*

Sarah Palin's unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

"We think it's wonderful," said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol's grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. "The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited."
The baby's name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don't get why Bristol's being subtle. She might as well name her son "Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you're at church." I mean, it's Sarah Palin we're talking about here. She's just gonna call the kid a "Maverick" then give him a handgun to play with. "Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it's not like I can't remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!"