Jesus. It's only the second post of 2009 and already Lindsay Lohan is in a bikini. Here she is bringing in the New Year on South Beach, and I don't know about you, but I definitely know what I'm doing with these babies: Playing Connect the Dots with Lindsay's freckles. So far I've found Optimus Prime, a slice of pizza and two giant breasts. Try and beat my score! EDIT: Bumped up top for obvious reasons: Found a T-Rex!

John Travolta's son Jett passed away today after suffering a seizure at a vacation home in the Bahamas. Authorities say Jett struck his head on the bathtub and died on the scene after attempts to revive him failed. TMZ reports:

We're told 16-year-old Jett was vacationing with Travolta and wife Kelly Preston.
There have been reports that Jett was autistic, though Travolta has denied it, saying he suffers from Kawasaki Syndrome, a condition which often leads to heart disease.
Travolta's attorney Michael Ossi says Jett suffered a seizure at his family's vacation home at the Old Bahama Bay Hotel on Grand Bahama Island. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful and he died on scene.

Wow, that's horrifically sad and especially right after the holidays. My sincerest condolences to the Travolta family and Jett's loved ones.

Katy Perry and her boyfriend Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes have broken up, according to Celebuzz:

The reported two-year relationship between the musicians came to an end this week despite the pair spending Christmas downtime on the beach, reading and drinking on the sand.
"It's a hardship, but she's regrouping," a source tells Celebuzz. The split likely came to a head just before 2009's arrival.

On New Year's Eve, Travis also wrote the following "rap" on his blog about Katy which really needs to be read in it's entirety. Mostly so you can realize why I equate Gym Class Heroes with face cancer. Here's a snippet:

My friends always tell me how I’m lucky to possess
The best looking girl in the whole U.S.
But every time you scream, you blow your finesse
Tryin’ to dis the Profess-
Or twenty-four hours of acting sore
Sometimes I wish you’d come down with lockjaw
So I don’t have to take in the breakin’
You treat me like a burnt piece of bacon
It seems like just two years
Back when we were bonded and not pierced
But now I keep itchin’ to jet
Sitting’ in the chair just to stare, set to sprint
Yo, sweetheart, you better take a hint
I say it now like I said it before
I’m lookin’ at the front door

Wait. This guy rap-blogs and calls himself "The Profess?" Amazing. For a second there, I thought I'd really have to work hard to impress Katy by wearing pants or something. Not anymore! Thanks, Travis McCoy.

Paris Hilton stopped by The Gold Coast Hospital in Queensland, Australia this morning to cheer up some sick children, and Sweet Christ, you gotta be kidding me? Paris Hilton and terminally ill children? Last time I checked, making a child's catheter burst into flames with your mere presence doesn't exactly fill them with with the will to live. Did hospital administrators have to choose between Paris or letting the kids play with raw sewage? Because they probably could've done a bit more soul-searching on this one. Then again, that's just me and my experience watching ER the night I couldn't find the remote.

Britney Spears' brother Bryan married Jamie Lynn Spears' manager on New Year's Eve in an event that family members described as "Not quite incest. But close enough." People reports:

"It was beautiful," a source tells PEOPLE about the elder Spears's wedding to Graciella Sanchez, 36, longtime manager of little sister Jamie Lynn. "It was only close family, very small and intimate."
While the couple's engagement may have caught many by surprise – they only recently started dating seriously – the two have been acquaintances for years.
"The family was totally excited," a friend of the family tells PEOPLE. "Graciella's wonderful. Everybody was happy about it."

Wait. Jamie Lynn Spears has a manager? Then where the hell was this Graciella woman when Casey Aldridge was putting his virile redneck seed in her client's underage hoo-ha? Obviously, she had her hands full banging her way into the Spears' family fortune which, now that I think about it, was kind of a smart move. Those MBAs really do pay for themselves.

Good news, everybody, Charles Barkley's DUI arrest was for a worthy cause. He wanted to get some head. Finally, a drunk driving story with a happy ending. Well, almost a happy ending. The Smoking Gun reports:

Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley. A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge.

Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought Charles Barkley was risking people's lives for something retarded like KFC or SportsCenter on TiVo. But a BJ? Who's gonna fault him for that? "You see, son, Charles Barkley was with a woman whose mouth could take the paint off a golf ball. I'm telling you this so you know your father didn't die in vain, and also, because I'm a terrible police officer. Which is why I shot your cat on the way in. Now, what kind of perfume does your mom like?"

Here's Paris Hilton celebrating New Year's Eve at The Bongo Virus party in Sydney. Hold on, she's in the future already?! Jesus, how did this happen? Aw man, she's going to get VD all over 2009 before we even get there. Guess I better start practicing having it burn when I pee. Anyone got a lighter? Happy New Year! I think. Goddammit, Paris...

In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn't be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:

"They are on a holiday vacation," says Anthony's rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
"Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble," the eatery's general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. "They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time."

Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c'mon, these people love Ricky Martin who's not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom he will most likely inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]

Matt Dillon was busted last night for driving 106 mph in Vermont. The posted speed limit was 65, according to the AP. When will the universe stop crapping on this guy? First, he loses Cameron Diaz. Then his brother Kevin becomes the big star of the family. And now he gets arrested in Vermont after slathering his naked body in maple syrup. What do you mean that wasn't in the article? You gotta read between the lines. That's why I'm the journalist, and you're the voice in my head.

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say "Got any cheeeese?" I have no respect for myself.