Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.

So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."

All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.

And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."

Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.

We need to work on making Lily Allen a U.S. Citizen so that she can become our new Surgeon General instead of that TV doctor, because she knows what's really good and bad for us. Take cocaine for instance? It's not that bad! That's what Dr. Lily claims. She opened up her rant trap again and defended the evil doer known as cocaine.

Lily said, “The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true. I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work. But we never hear that side of the story. I wish people wouldn’t sensationalize it. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

Lily should really teach a class in our grade schools about how to take drugs "the good way."

I'll admit that my nose has danced with the white fairies once or twice or a hundred times. Hey, it was the 80s! I was in kindergarten. It was the thing to do in the sandbox. Seriously, I dabbled with that shit and I'm not a dealer, a rapist or a postit.... Wait. Define "prostitute."

And don't mind Lily! It's just the coke that's making her babble. Throw a few lines her way, and she'll shut it.

No, Brit Brit and her Cheetolings are not dressed in their mourning black to say goodbye to her freedom. Brit Brit dressed up and got a flea bath for her brother's New Year's Wedding! And how long do you think she held a conversation with that giant nutcracker before Daddy Spears had to break the devastating news to her. Brit shouted, "But we unnerstan' each othah! I was fixin' ta marry up wif him!"

Well, even if he wasn't made of wood, they still couldn't get married without a yes nod from Daddy Spears. Two days ago, court papers were filed making it official that Brit Brit is now under the command of lawyer Andrew Wallet and Daddy Spears for eternity! Or until they decide that if they release her from the leash, she won't run into the streets with her chonies off and slobbering at the mouth for a Frapp.

A judge made the ruling back in October, but the conservatorship became legally permanent on Monday. Brit agreed with the decision. The order states that Brit Brit isn't right in the brains just yet, so she is "unable properly to provide for her personal needs for physical health, food, clothing, or shelter.”

OK! says that the main reason to make Daddy Spears Brit Brit's permanent keeper involved her world tour. Apparently, she couldn't get insured unless the conservatorship was in place. They were originally going to take the chains off of her on December 31st, but when they found out nobody would insure her possumshit crazy ass, they had to make it permanent.

Don't fret. Our Lady of Cheetos will karate chop her way through this shit, because she's a Karate Kid. I just wish she would "wax on" that weave a little bit, because it's looking a little straw-ey.

And just because I feel like I have to: "HI YALL! Brit Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth."

Image: BS.com

Gayken, stop that! We all know yours are more luscious! - Celebslam

What Aubrey O'Day is really trying to say is that....she's a whore - I'm Not Obsessed

Great. KFed just added another mouth for Brit Brit to feed - Socialite Life

Diddy is like a pre-teen fanboy with way too much money - Celebitchy

Craig Ferguson just ruined his life! - SOW

An 80s themed party is just an excuse for hos to flaunt their came toes - ICYDK

Forgive me father. Here's some sexy ass Italian priests - Refinery 29

Olivia Wilde trying to push out a fart bubble - Popoholic

Here comes another Sex (but only with Replens) and the City! - The Frisky

Salman Rushdie's new piece needs eyebrow help - Best Week Ever

Oh, look. Brad Pitt loved his Benjamin Button old baby face make-up so much that he's decided to wear it everywhere! If that was only the truth. This definitely needs more tinkering by the Photoshop elves. I know, Brad is trying to be all "raw" and "real" on the cover of W Magazine, but he only looks "elderly" and "sleepy." I could take a canoe down one of his forehead canals. I mean, damn! I bet you St. Angie's vagina is like a 7-year-old's since it sucked out all of Brad's hotness and youth. Just feed Pepaw Pitt some Ensure through a straw and let's move on.

So....in the February issue of W, Brad is ooooooonce again dragging out this shit bitches have been talking about for fucking centuries. You can even read about this drama on the walls of the tombs of Egypt. But here I am continuing the fuckery, so I'll slap myself with a baby later.

Brad defended St. Angie when talking about how they got together while he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. He said, “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful."

Okay, he gets points for saying "dastardly affair." Not only does he looks like he was born in the late 1800s, but he talks like it too!

Now, he also defended Jennifer's infamous "uncool" comment. Brad said, "Jen is a sweetheart. I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Um. They are the fucking creators! The interviewer didn't hide the word "uncool" in a cucumber sandwich and force feed it to Jen. She said it willingly! And by "sweetheart" he really means, "She exists, so every now and again I have to pat her on the head."

All of these three famewhores are in cahoots for some publicity . When does Jen have another movie coming out? Because that's when we're going to see her naked ass on the cover of a magazine in some kind of ferret pose with the quote, "It WAS a DASTARDLY affair!"

The only person I believe in all of this is Maddox. He tells the truth. I'm still waiting for his tell-all.

SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.

SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"

I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.

Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!

And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.

When I think of wire hangers. I think of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in a facial mask and housecoat. I also think of old timey DIY abortions done in some seedy halfway house. Well, Carmen Electra thinks of sexy times! Of course she does.

Unfortunately, Carmen wouldn't say exactly how she uses wire hangers while busting nuts, she only said, "A little pleasure, a little pain. It's all about fun."

It sounds like all pain, no pleasure. I'm on Team Crazy Crawford, because I can't stand wire hangers. I buy the cheap plastic shit at KMart, but it's still better than evil wire hangers. If my lovah pulled out a wire hanger, I'd call 911. Spank me with a plastic or huggable hanger, but keep that wire shit away from me!

Furthermore, if you need a wire hanger to feel anything "down there," then it's time to stick your privates in a Fed Ex box, wish it luck and send it on some much-needed time apart. You'll tell your privates it's a vacation, but it's really going in to get tightened, rotated (clockwise) and re-locked. Jiffy Lube is having a post-holiday special. They sent me a coupon.

Source

(Thanks Alex)

If Mah Boo Anderson Cooper was in a collar and playing with my ass like it was a chew toy, this would be heaven. And Mah Boo can be as rough as he wants. My ass can take it. It's NASA tested.

The Daily Show aired CNN's Puppedential Debate hosted by Mah Boo. When someone sent me this clip, I went on CNN's website to find the entire debate for America's First Dog. Yes, my brain is officially made of mushed-up Zingers. Now I know what my mom meant when she told everyone that I was a "unique" child. Or maybe she was talking about how I used to wear her pantyhose around the house as a wig.

Anyway, Mah Boo and PUPPIES!!!! Doesn't this make your genitals quiver? Why didn't they sell tickets to this monumental event? I would have had a reason to sniff at Mah Boo's foxhole without getting dragged away by his security....AGAIN.

And I could die with a smile on my b-hole if the Silver Fox pointed at me and said, "Get this bitch off the stage!" Actually, that's probably what he wanted to say while hosting New Year's Eve with Kathy Griffin. I love Mah Boo more than I love my bong.

(Thanks to all you precious souls who sent this to me.)

George Kistner - Are you over the age of 18? Do you live in Louisville, KY? Is your vagina clean and wart free? Do you not have a man? Are you really fucking desperate? If the answer is yes to all those questions, then I have the "free face" for you! George Kistner has a website offering to suck the poon of any ladies who meet his requirements. HA. Yes, he has requirements. And he's also an Ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church! So you will be getting a holy experience.

Click here to visit his site to read his terms, learn more about him and apply (you know you want to). Shit. I'd sit on his face just to cover it up.

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