I just did something very dangerous. Even the government warns against doing this. I just tried to read one of Courtney Love's blogs in a completely sober state. I feel like I need cuddle from a Pound Puppy to comfort me after attempting to read the whole thing. It's like trying to read spam. It makes no sense and you feel like you're committing some sort of crime by reading it.

There really needs to be a game show that challenges contestants to decipher Courtney Love's crack rants. It can be hosted by Joaquin Phoenix, because Courtney Love is speaking his thoughts.

You know, I'm trying to summarize this shit, but I don't think it's even possible! Especially since it's not even 7:30am in California. My one brain cell has called mercy.

I see the words "Kelly Ripa" along with a bunch of numbers and this sentence: "NOW FOR THE RECORD I HAVENT TAKEN A NARCOTIC OR HAD ANY ALCHOHOL FOR NPW OVER FIVE YEARS." If that shit is true, then it's probably a good time to go back to the crack.

Let's see if you can do any better. Court's entire post is after the jump. You might want to down a shot of something strong, like battery acid, before you start reading it. JUMP TO YOUR BRAIN'S DEATH!!!!

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I really should use only use old pictures of celebwhores, because they are usually wearing much hotter outfits than they wear now and the picture quality is always so impeccable. It also makes me think that there was a time when they were just like us! They got their picture taken at the Sears portrait studio too. You know what pisses me off about family portraits like this? Why the fuck do they always have one kid look one way and the other kid the other. They pulled that shit on me and I couldn't understand why my sister got to look at the camera, but I had to look at some lame ass puppet the photo assistant was holding. Did they want our picture to look like an ABBA cover or some shit? Because unfortunately it didn't. It made me look like I was a special needs child who was going blind in one eye. Well, I guess that wasn't too far from the truth....

Anyway, hopefully Brit Brit wore this outfit to her brother's wedding on New Year's Eve, because that shit is the look. Our Lady of Cheetos traveled to New Orleans with her mastah and her Cheetolings to watch her big brother Bryan get married to Jamie Lynn's manager Graciella Sanchez.

A Spears married a Sanchez?! I really hope Graciella's abuelita was there. When Brit Brit was riding high on the crazy train, she really needed an abuelita in her life to set her straight. An abuelita would've slapped her with all her rings on, beat her with a switch and then made her some menudo for her to eat while watching novellas. The bitch would have been fixed just like that. That's why I hope Graciella's abuelita was at the wedding to make sure Brit Brit keeps her chonies and weave on in the future.

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Finally, a logical solution to the shrinkage problem....murder the cold. - TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

In order to cut back on stealing, Amy Winehouse makes her nose gnomes mine coke naked - Provolone

In Alaska, they catch fish by cutting holes in the ice and dropping a worm down into the water. Dude, you DON'T need a hole that big. - rockylife1968

Erica Hill - Mah Boo's sidekick on Anderson Cooper's 360. I haven't really noticed this slut, mostly because my eyes are transfixed on Mah Boo like Wino on a rock, but a friend sent me this clip below of Erica on New Year's Eve getting V-tongued from some drunk douche on live TV. Erica handled it well, but she really should have given him the just jack off and blow job signal instead. It would've been like sign language fucking on live TV! Clip below:

Gabrielle Carteris (48)
Kate Bosworth (26)
Paz Vega (33)
Dax Shepard (34)
Will Kirby (36)
Taye Diggs (38)
Christy Turlington (40)
Cuba Gooding Jr. (41)
Tia Carrere (42)
Todd Haynes (48)
Christopher Durang (60)
Jack Hanna (62)

The trash TV gods were shining down upon us, because those dumb whores at Time Warner and Viacom decided to put their dicks away and settle their bitch fight. I swear, I was about to shuffle down to Time Warner and throw used condoms at their asses, because they were going to make me miss the Charm School Reunion Show (clip above)! If I didn't' get to see Sharon Osbourne take down that fat faced slut Megan, I was going to cut everyone's cable lines. If I can't see that shit, nobody can!

I can put my rusty razor away, because Vh1 and 18 other channels didn't go dark for Time Warner customers this morning. The dumb bitch CEO of Time Warner said, "We are pleased that our customers will continue to be able to watch the customers will continue to be able to watch the programming they enjoy on MTV Networks. We are sorry they had to endure a day of public disagreement as we worked through this negotiation."

They wouldn't say what the new terms of the deal are, but you better believe they are going to be charging us more. Even if they don't need to, they will, because now they have an excuse. Those greedy whores loves to roll around in as much money as possible.

I'm still giving the side-eye to both Time Warner and Viacom, but at least I have my Vh1 and Dora the Explorer! Seriously, Dora is some good shit, but only when you're stooooned.

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This is why Kathy Griffin and Mah Boo should co-host every single show on every single channel during every single time slot. Don't even listen to my babbling about the clip above, this shit speaks for itself. I mean, all Mah Boo wanted to talk and giggle about was his undying love for The Real Housewives of Atlanta and then Kathy just had to go and make my life by telling some drunktard on the street, "I'm working! "I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!" Yes, it's a line from Mr. Show, but Kathy used it with grace and class. She also gets ten million bonus points for saying it front of Mah Boo. Why oh why wasn't there a camera on his adorable face when she said that?! His face probably went from pasty white to magenta in 3 seconds flat and then he exploded from the giggles.

And no, I wasn't the drunk heckler on the street, but Kathy can come to my job and knock the dicks out of my mouth anytime she fucking wants.

Sushi the New Year's Eve Drag Queen! - Every New Year's Eve, the ball drops in Times Square in NYC. Well, in Key West, FL. they drop Sushi the drag queen in a big red shoe. This hot bitch was live on CNN last night and I saw the way she flirted with Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. She better be careful, because I'll push her out of that red shoe and beat her down with it if she tries that shit again. That said, she's hot in every way.

Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer (40)
Eden Riegel (27)
Elin Nordegren (29)
Kate Levering (30)
Catherine McCormack (37)
Sophie Okonedo (40)
Morris Chestnut (40)
Dedee Pfeiffer (45)
Richard Roxburgh (47)
Grandmaster Flash (51)
Larry Clark (66)
Frank Langella (69)

While I'm still coherent, I just want to thank all of you whores for dealing with my ass this year. If I could give all of you a handjob while feeding you Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, I would. And I would do it with love.

I was going to do a whole post toasting my favorite crap from 2008, but honestly, I tried to stay drunk and stoned through most of the year, so I don't remember that much. And seriously, who fucking cares? Let's just hope 2009 is filled with many more beautiful gifts like Spaghetti Cat, Rojo Caliente, The Shiba Inu 6, Mah Boo, Kim Zolciak's back alley wig, c-word slips, Chicken Cutlets, The Empress of Lucite, La Pequeña, etc.... Oh shit. I just listed some of my favorite things. I have a genius memory!

Anyihopeiblackouttonight, Happy New Whore to everyone! Get drunk and get dicked!