Barbara Walters is just letting her passive-aggressive flag fly these days on The View, garnishing nearly every "Hot Topics" segment with a cruel, cutting barb that her dunderheaded cohosts are powerless to rebut.

On Monday, a jealous Walters promptly chastised the studio audience for shouting compliments to Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, scolding, "When you see a group of people, you don't look at one of them and say, 'We love you.'" Then, as Sherri Shepherd related her brief encounters with Jeremy Piven, Walters expressed both total, unvarnished boredom and condescension on the matter of time zones (though the latter was admittedly well-earned).

On today's show, Walters was in danger of heading into the first commercial break with nary a slam to her credit, but she finally found an unlikely opportunity after her cohosts indulged in a "taint"-filled discussion of Rod Blagojevich and the Senate seat to which he appointed Roland Burris. This prompted Walters to attempt a tortured analogy that essentially called Elisabeth Hasselbeck a bonehead (but not because she loves The Bachelor?). Whatever, it's Barbara logic—just enjoy how Elisabeth hears her name and starts to perk up approvingly before Babs sticks the shiv in.

• The View [ABC]

Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart has just about had it with these smarty-pants actresses like Anne Hathaway. Whatever happened to your Loni Andersons? Your Lydia Cornells? Your Barbi Twins?

Hathaway found out firsthand just how little the ET anchor cares for her knowledge-knowing at the Palm Springs International Festival, where the actress was being honored for her work in Rachel Getting Married. Sadly, her acceptance speech struck the wrong note for some, who will only tolerate her erudite rambling when she's kohl-eyed and interrupting her sister's wedding party:

Anne Hathaway, a Desert Palm Achievement Award recipient, seemed to lose the audience while discussing “process metaphysics.” That prompted a surprised comment from almost always perky emcee, Mary Hart. “Did I hear that from backstage correctly? We just got into metaphysics? Whatever happened to good ol' blonde bimbos?” she quipped.

Why, they emcee awards shows in Palm Springs, Mary!

• Palm Springs International Film Festival [My Desert]

The ongoing liquidation of Michael Jackson's estate may have less to do with bailing himself out of financial ruin than it does securing something for his kids before he moonshuffles off this mortal coil.

And according to a National Enquirer report, Jackson's health and drug addiction has deteriorated to the point where that could happen in as little as six months:

A source close to the star divulged: "It's tragic. His condition is just so far gone, I'd be surprised if he lasts six months. [...]

Michael has been diagnosed with a rare genetic condition called alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency that can cause lung and liver disease, according to Ian Halperin, author of a new Jackson biography.

And medical experts warn the reclusive singer's longtime addiction to morphine and the potent painkiller Demerol can make the condition devastatingly destructive.

"In advanced stages, a lung transplant may be necessary. But if Jackson needs a lung transplant, it means he's had so much damage he's not even a candidate for preserving what's left."

"Michael's fighting for his life," the close source concluded. "And it doesn't look good."

Christ that's depressing. We blame Martin Bashir for this. You killed the King of Pop, Bashir! And what's your retribution? You get to be the Surgeon General. There is no justice.

• PALS FEAR: JACKO 6 MONTHS TO LIVE AND THE CLOCK IS TICKING! [Nat'l Enq]

1/6 — I know he was just spotted there with Ms. Reese, but while I was sitting at the bar at Mozza at lunch time today I saw JAKE GYLLENHAAL walk in, at first I thought it was Reese standing next to him (there was a blonde head.. there was a bit of a crowd at the door..) but I cannot confirm that. I was too cool to turn my head fully around to scope out the table he sat at. About fifteen minutes later DEBI MAZAR walked in with a gentleman friend and asked loud enough for me to hear (not in an obnoxious way, I think she just has a loud voice…New Yorker loud…) “Is Nancy (Silverton) here today?” [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

After flirting with actors like Ryan Gosling and Chris Pine, Disney has cast Four Brothers star Garrett Hedlund as the lead in Tron, the sequel to...Tron.

"Hedlund has been considered one of those actors that is on the cusp within the industry, though without much of a profile in middle America," said THR in their casting scoop. "Starring in a $150 million effects-intensive feature could change that." Yes, WHAT? $150 million dollars for Tron, the sequel to Tron? We're assuming that $80 million of that is going toward the actual movie, and the other $70 million will be set aside to buy each moviegoer a Madball and Commodore 64. [THR]

Mickey Rourke has signed on for Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, joining Jason Statham, Jet Li, Forest Whitaker and (ahem) Dolph Lundgren in a testosterrific tough-guy ensemble. Which leads us to ask: Can this possibly suck?

Actually, don't answer that. Even with born-again genre slut Sir Ben Kingsley rumored to have an eye on the project, it's not necessarily unfair to calculate the sum of these parts as "clusterfuck": Guided by Stallone both in front of and behind the camera, a gang of mercenaries heads off to South America to take down a ruthless dictator. But perhaps its the optimism of a new year or, more rationally, the concept of a Gran Torino-esque valedictory with half the syllables and twice the bullets that has us intrigued at the possibilities here. To wit:

· Score One: The Second Coming of Mickey Rourke owes itself in part to Stallone's faith in him a decade ago, when he recommended Rourke for a minor role in the remake of Get Carter. Their brooding, mangle-faced chemistry was about the only thing that clicked while the film imploded around them. We wanted more, and we'll get it.

· Score Two: One of our New Year's resolutions is to explain why Statham may be the greatest actor working today — with the exception of War, his misbegotten action showcase with Li, who requires some atonement of his own. The Expendables offers a nurturing environment for that to occur. Or it will affirm a Statham/Li curse, which will at least save Flopz™-grade genre-flick mills the trouble of bothering again in the future. Win-win.

· Score Three: A Stallone/Lundgren reunion bespeaks more than inspired stunt-casting, but also the prospect for unprecedented levels of bonding between fathers nostalgic for Rocky IV and sons who'll attend anything with them as long as they can drive the car.

· Score Four: Unless you count Denzel Washington (we don't) and his Where the Wild Things Are voice work for Spike Jonze, Forest Whitaker hasn't worked with a real director since Kevin Macdonald shepherded him to an Oscar in 2006. He may not fully reclaim his edge, but if he can just anchor a group like this, we'll take it.

· Score Five: It's not Rambo V.

• Mickey Rourke joins 'Expendables' [Variety]

Brad Pitt has exposed himself in W—and we do mean exposed, Chuck Close's unforgiving photos highlighting every worry line to sprout across his iconic face since undertaking fathering duties to a knife-obsessed Cambodian mercenary.

The subject was ostensibly his CGI-enhanced turn as a reverse-aging everyman in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, for which the actor could earn his second Oscar nomination (his first came for 1995's 12 Monkeys). Not surprisingly, however, it quickly veers towards the topic that will haunt him 'til his dying, diapered day: his abandonment of a childless Jennifer Aniston for the orphan-hungry loins of Angelina Jolie.

Barely healed wounds burst open last fall in a series of magazine profiles. First, Jolie told the NY Times, "Not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love," confirming what had long been suspected: that the relationship started on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith set, while Brad was still married to Aniston. Aniston then responded to the statement in a Vogue profile, her designation of the revelation as "uncool" splashed sensationally across their cover ("12 Uncool Looks For Winter You Won't Need Friends Money to Afford!").

Rumors swirled that the Pitt-Jolies were ''totally thrown'' by Aniston's call-out, eliciting an agitated call from Pitt—the contents of which we provided for you in a Defamer Conjectured Re-enactment. Aniston expressed in future interviews her surprise that Vogue would have gone "so tabloid," and a hope that she might put l'affair uncool behind her.

Both of their holiday movies opened on Christmas Day; in a career triumph for the former Friends star, Aniston's dog-weepie triumphed over Button, breaking box office records.

That about brings us up to date. Now we'll shut up and listen to what a resolution-hungry Pitt has to say on the matter:

“Listen, man, Jen is a sweetheart,” Pitt says, as if to settle this thing once and for all. “I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Of his current relationship with Aniston, he says, “We still check in with each other. She was a big part of my life, and me hers. I don’t see how there cannot be [that]. That’s life, man. That’s life.”

A few sentences into the next topic, though, Pitt circles back to defend Jolie’s honor. “What people don’t understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs. Smith] for a year,” he explains. “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful. [The film] will mean something to our kids. It will, that’s all.”

We'd like to think these heartfelt sentiments unburden Pitt from any dastardly wrongdoing, but until some hard evidence is provided by way of call sheets and studio parking lot records, there will always be some nagging questions. Taking your co-star an astonishing four times in your trailer during one two-hour lunchbreak doesn't mean you can qualify the session as "re-shoots."

• Brad Pitt [W]

With rumors flying about how much time Patrick Swayze had left after his pancreatic cancer diagnosis, the actor sat down with Barbara Walters to come clean.

The interview will air tonight in the ABC special Patrick Swayze: The Truth, and Swayze begins by noting how long he's lasted so far:

Still, he admits, "I'd say five years is pretty wishful thinking. Two years seems likely if you're going to believe statistics.

"I want to last until they find a cure, which means I'd better get a fire under it," says the star, who denies he is on his "death bed." [...]

As for his smoking habit, the actor has "cut back" but says quitting for him is not a "priority."

Hollyscoop brings breaking news that Suzanne Somers approves of Swayze's conduct. "Pancreatic [cancer] is terrible," she said, but noted that Swayze is "one of the lucky ones. Whatever he’s doing, it's right!" Duly noted, Suzanne Somers.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Patrick Swayze: I May Only Live "Two Years" [Us]

· Remember that humiliating night when you had wayyyy too much to drink, and you started speaking in tongues, thinking every slurred, nonsensical sentiment was completely hilarious? Neither does Terry Bradshaw.

(That said, he kind of starts to win us over somewhere around the Jay-bashing halfway mark, which we'll attribute to our own anti-Jay bias, or the fact that we're drunk, too.)
· We're guessing this poor dude dangling from a Vail chairlift with his pants down and his pecker hanging out really wishes he could put it all behind him—something that might take a little bit longer than predicted thanks to high-quality digital imaging and the magics of the internet!
· Here's a look at Jeff Bridges's book of photography from the set of Iron Man, including documentation of his traumatic head-shaving. [via Goldenfiddle]
· Madonna's vagina is around four feet wide with razor sharp teeth which can devour a large Louis Vuitton handbag in one gulp.
· As Bush winds down his last days in the White House, we're still in utter disbelief that Cookie bin Monster has yet to be found.

Most of Verne Troyer's onscreen partners like to humiliate him (sometimes in distinctly NSFW ways), but the late Heath Ledger was different.

After working with Ledger in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus just before his death, Troyer was moved to replicate part of the actor's signature—a heart—as a tattoo on his hand. Troyer recounted his memories in a sober, touching story that belied its setting: an episode of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. Luckily, Troyer managed to keep the moment respectful; the only flicker of inappropriate reality show camp came just before he began, as the narrator noted, "4:48 pm. Coolio is in the kitchen." [ONTD]